Stop, just stop!
My first two years in the Army were spent at Ft. Campbell Kentucky on the Kentucky/ Tennessee border in an area the local ass hat radio djs call tuckessee. *Kif sigh noises* I used to hate that. Anyway, the group of guys I was with were insane. We were constantly ripping on each other and joking around and getting the shit smoked out of us for running our mouths off like Trapjaw on He-Man. Now in the Infantry, you have to understand, that there are no women and only a few nancy-sally-sensitive type males make it through basic training. So the joking and the language are all uncensored. No subject is too taboo. Racist, sexist, sexual, appearance, and anything you can get in trouble for in what the civilians call real life is fair game. Everyone has a really thick skin and knows that all is in good fun and to be honest I wish it was the same in all walks of life because I pass up more joke opportunities in a day because I don't want to hear whoever's going to whine their cry box because I've offended them. Boo fuckin' woo! All you easily offend jackholes are missing out on a lot of comic gold and you ruin it for the rest of us who aren't asses.
I digress, all this is setting you up for is why it took so long to get under my friend's, we'll call him Amy, skin. As you may have already gathered his name really isn't Amy but it's one of the jokes we tormented him with so it's funny to me on a lot of levels. Now Amy is a good guy and was always real fun to be around but he was no where near as quick witted as the rest of us and we would fire off jokes nonstop. G to the oforth was my best friend at Campbell and he just happened to be in my same squad and those of you who know what it's like on my level of humor will know the crasiness that Goforth and I could come up with. Together we were like a M249 Squad Automatic Weapon of mass hysteria. Everyone in the squad had their own idiosyncrasies that's good for future stories, but Amy's is that he has the look and frustrated temperament of a Gorilla. So we would call him Amy like the smart Gorilla who uses sign language and finger paints. Amy was a team leader and when he got mad at his team we'd yell that he was going to start throwing feces and start breaking things. Goforth was on his team and I was on the other team. Our squad leader was trying to get Amy to start laying the law down to us so he had us do things wrong on purpose to see if he would get us in line like he's supposed to. So while he's giving out a plan for the days training Fred Ex walks off in the middle of it. When Amy finally gets him back Goforth walks off. SSG Lewis starts yelling at him to get his team in line and he would get so frustrated but still he hadn't snapped on us. When SSG Lewis gave us orders either myself or Goforth would give Amy hand signals so that he would understand what was going on and not be afraid and throw feces. He would get upset and we'd scold him and tell him that he'd lose his finger paints if he didn't behave. When he'd get even more frustrated he'd try to shoot off a tasty comeback really quick, but as I said earlier wit wasn't his strong point and he'd stop halfway and say, "Stop, just fucking stop!"
This was the norm even in Iraq. In fact, in Iraq it was worse because we were with each other twenty four seven. That's a lot of time to find something to make fun of someone for. Sure we were all business most of the time because that's what you have to do over there but I'm not talking about the serious stuff right now I'm talking about what made us laugh. When we got to Mosul we set up in a television studio. On Saddam's birthday the people were shooting their rifles in the air for a celebration in the middle of the night. So several of us go to the roof to see if we can see what needs seeing. The First Sergeant tells Amy to shoot a flare out to his twelve and three o'clock. The flares set the dry grass ablaze and we spent the rest of the time stopping fire from reaching the benzine truck we seized. Even though he told the First Sergeant he didn't think that the flares would make it over our walls we still called him a big stupid gorilla. When we finally got some kind of support up with us and had chow sent out we would collect the banana chips that no one ate because no one eats banana chips and put them on Amy's bed. That was the straw that broke the silverback. He finally tore into Goforth and myself pretty good and gave us a little smoking. However, it wasn't long before he slept walked over to Barry and pissed on him to give us more bad gorilla jokes to throw his way again. Goforth saw Barry out in the middle of the night hanging his wet bed gear up and asked him what happened and all he said was Amy pissed on him. We laughed and laughed through neither of them thought it was too funny until later and Amy probably still doesn't dig it too much. We had many more names for him too as Goforth reminded me after I originally posted this. Names such as, king kong bundy, gorilla monsoon, grape ape, gorillas in the mist, silverback, congo, and big dumb ape. Must of our exclamations started with, "You big dumb ape," especially when we found out he didn't know the words to the National Anthem.
That's just how we stayed somewhat sane over there and even here in the civilian world now. It takes me telling jokes and laughing and finding the funny in anything just to get by back here outside of the Army. To paraphrase Obi-Won Kenobi, " Every thing's funny to a certain point of view." Hope you all enjoyed yourselves, now get off my lawn!
See you all further down the road.
Mike
I digress, all this is setting you up for is why it took so long to get under my friend's, we'll call him Amy, skin. As you may have already gathered his name really isn't Amy but it's one of the jokes we tormented him with so it's funny to me on a lot of levels. Now Amy is a good guy and was always real fun to be around but he was no where near as quick witted as the rest of us and we would fire off jokes nonstop. G to the oforth was my best friend at Campbell and he just happened to be in my same squad and those of you who know what it's like on my level of humor will know the crasiness that Goforth and I could come up with. Together we were like a M249 Squad Automatic Weapon of mass hysteria. Everyone in the squad had their own idiosyncrasies that's good for future stories, but Amy's is that he has the look and frustrated temperament of a Gorilla. So we would call him Amy like the smart Gorilla who uses sign language and finger paints. Amy was a team leader and when he got mad at his team we'd yell that he was going to start throwing feces and start breaking things. Goforth was on his team and I was on the other team. Our squad leader was trying to get Amy to start laying the law down to us so he had us do things wrong on purpose to see if he would get us in line like he's supposed to. So while he's giving out a plan for the days training Fred Ex walks off in the middle of it. When Amy finally gets him back Goforth walks off. SSG Lewis starts yelling at him to get his team in line and he would get so frustrated but still he hadn't snapped on us. When SSG Lewis gave us orders either myself or Goforth would give Amy hand signals so that he would understand what was going on and not be afraid and throw feces. He would get upset and we'd scold him and tell him that he'd lose his finger paints if he didn't behave. When he'd get even more frustrated he'd try to shoot off a tasty comeback really quick, but as I said earlier wit wasn't his strong point and he'd stop halfway and say, "Stop, just fucking stop!"
This was the norm even in Iraq. In fact, in Iraq it was worse because we were with each other twenty four seven. That's a lot of time to find something to make fun of someone for. Sure we were all business most of the time because that's what you have to do over there but I'm not talking about the serious stuff right now I'm talking about what made us laugh. When we got to Mosul we set up in a television studio. On Saddam's birthday the people were shooting their rifles in the air for a celebration in the middle of the night. So several of us go to the roof to see if we can see what needs seeing. The First Sergeant tells Amy to shoot a flare out to his twelve and three o'clock. The flares set the dry grass ablaze and we spent the rest of the time stopping fire from reaching the benzine truck we seized. Even though he told the First Sergeant he didn't think that the flares would make it over our walls we still called him a big stupid gorilla. When we finally got some kind of support up with us and had chow sent out we would collect the banana chips that no one ate because no one eats banana chips and put them on Amy's bed. That was the straw that broke the silverback. He finally tore into Goforth and myself pretty good and gave us a little smoking. However, it wasn't long before he slept walked over to Barry and pissed on him to give us more bad gorilla jokes to throw his way again. Goforth saw Barry out in the middle of the night hanging his wet bed gear up and asked him what happened and all he said was Amy pissed on him. We laughed and laughed through neither of them thought it was too funny until later and Amy probably still doesn't dig it too much. We had many more names for him too as Goforth reminded me after I originally posted this. Names such as, king kong bundy, gorilla monsoon, grape ape, gorillas in the mist, silverback, congo, and big dumb ape. Must of our exclamations started with, "You big dumb ape," especially when we found out he didn't know the words to the National Anthem.
That's just how we stayed somewhat sane over there and even here in the civilian world now. It takes me telling jokes and laughing and finding the funny in anything just to get by back here outside of the Army. To paraphrase Obi-Won Kenobi, " Every thing's funny to a certain point of view." Hope you all enjoyed yourselves, now get off my lawn!
See you all further down the road.
Mike
posted by Mike | 5:57 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home